Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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