I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Randomize
