Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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