Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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