6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
