I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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