i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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