She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Randomize
