so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
