I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Randomize