he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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