His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
