I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
