oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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