I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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