Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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