Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Randomize
