If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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