Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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