Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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