I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
