duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
