I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
