its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
