The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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