I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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