alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
