I think I won the penis lottery.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Randomize
