She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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