I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
