I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
