Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
