My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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