So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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