My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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