Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
