New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
