I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
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