I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
