my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
