i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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