FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
