it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
