I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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