i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
