who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
