Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Someone came in the potted fern
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
