No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
