you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
