Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
