Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
