Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
