the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
