I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
i drank out of a bidet.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Randomize
