My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I'd wear matching sweaters with you
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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