Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
