dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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