If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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