My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
