oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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