it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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