Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize