Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
