WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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